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Having a Difficult Conversation

February 5th, 2024 by Kenneth Abrahams

You would think that after working with speaker and trainer Michael Miller for over a decade and watching him present on many occasions, I would be better at having difficult conversations. After all, he breaks it down very well and gives you a wide range of tips and tricks to accomplish the task. There is the piece about “nice is nice, if what I need is nice”. Meaning that there are times in one’s life where you don’t need honesty or tough love, but instead just a hug, sympathetic ear, or a shoulder to cry on. A great example of this is if you just broke up with your significant other and it is still raw and painful. What you need is just some TLC and a bit of comfort. This is not the time for the swift kick on the backside and the whole “other fish in the sea” lecture. However, if it is 3 weeks later and you are still a blubbering mess, then maybe that is the time for a bit of tough love. Now is the time for DOH (think Homer Simpson’s expression), direct, open, and honest communication. Simple right?

If only it was that easy. Despite knowing that direct and honest communication is beneficial to one and all, we often shy away from it for a variety of reasons. Maybe at one time or another, having that very direct dialogue with someone has resulted in hurt feelings, or made the other party angry, and nobody wants that outcome. More than once I have thought to myself that there is no point in having a difficult conversation with someone because the situation, nor the dynamics between the two of us, are ever going to change. How do you handle it if you are in a subordinate position to that individual? Do you risk repercussions, including the loss of your job?  There are lots of reasons not to have those honest conversations.

Personally, this is something that I have struggled with for years. As a child I rarely shared my feelings. It seemed, at the time, easier to keep things hidden from public view by holding my thoughts and emotions close to the vest. Although at the times this was happening it seemed the best way to go about it, invariably it led to angry outbursts. Often, what set me off was small and insignificant, but it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. That continued until much later in life. As I got older, having difficult conversations with family, friends, and co-workers never seemed to work out the way the way I had envisioned. Far too often they were rage fueled rants that accomplished little, or I simply ignored the problem and went silent. Neither option is a good one.

Over time, I have worked on this. Many years ago, we hired a business coach and one of the first things that he addressed was my temper and attitude. Much of the staff at FUN was aware when they had made a mistake, but far fewer knew when they had done a good job. Clearly, this was an issue and it was not the way that I wanted to make people feel. Although I, as an individual, and we, as a company, made some positive changes, having difficult conversations tends to be something that I still struggle with.

For me, there are lots of barriers to having these conversations. Will the person be open to having an honest dialog? Will anything substantive come out of the exchange? Will I hurt the other persons feelings? These and so many other thoughts and emotions swirl around in my head that can, and often do, lead to inaction. Yet, I know there are so many positive reasons to have these tough conversations. If you don’t let the other person know there is an issue, how can they change their behavior, or change the way that they are interacting with you or others? How do relationships grow and strengthen if you are not willing to have those conversations? I understand all the reasons to have this type of dialogue, but still I often ignore it and simply try to work around it.

My biggest obstacle is my anger. On occasion, it stems from feeling as if we have had a similar conversation before and nothing changed. There are times when I believe that I am the injured party and I’m angry about the situation. I struggle to get past the anger and progress to where I can have a calm, intelligent, and productive conversation. When I am angry the words never seem to come out right. I know what I want to say, what I should say, but the anger and the frustration come rushing out and the result is rarely productive. As I said, it is a work in progress.

We are all different and all avoid these conversations for a variety of reasons. Logically, I see the importance of having them. Any healthy relationship is going to have issues. As the book, How to Work with Almost Anyone points out, regardless of the strength of the relationship there will be rough patches and things with the other person may get dinged, scratched, and dented, but if it is worth saving you will get past it. This year, I am trying to be more diligent about having these conversations. For me, there are several keys to having more success, hopefully. Don’t let the small stuff morph into bigger issues. Deal with things as they happen. Be honest and direct with the other person. Although it is hard to do, and one of the biggest obstacles for me, separate the personal from the professional. Often, when we have an issue with the situation, or one individuals’ behaviors or decisions, it doesn’t mean we dislike them or think less of them. Make sure to make that clear at both the outset and the conclusion of the conversation. Stick to what is going on at the time, and not what happened last month or last year. If we bring up every issue we have had with an individual, expect them to withdraw or get defensive. Keep to the topic, or concern, at hand and discuss only what is currently relevant. Write your thoughts down ahead of time. It may feel scripted to you, but it may also remove some of the emotion. People will never change if they don’t know there is an issue or what that issue is.

This is something that I am going to keep working on. Not to sound too defeatist, but I am not confident I will ever change. Even when I know it is the right thing to do, I fall back on all of those tried-and-true drawbacks. Hopefully you will have better success than I have had. Maybe there are tools and tricks that I don’t even know about, and if you have any of those in your toolbelt, please feel free to send them my way. At times we forget that we don’t need to love everyone we work with or for, but we need to respect them and hope that they do the same. I wish you luck as you work on your direct, open, and honest conversations.

About the author

Ken Abrahams has been working with and managing people for almost 4 decades. Despite the length of time, there are still things that he continues to struggle with. Like many, he is a work in progress.

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