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Is Honesty the Best Policy?

February 22nd, 2022 by Kenneth Abrahams

Have you ever had a conversation with somebody and suddenly what you talked about keeps popping up? It could be a song, a movie, or something else, but after your conversation it seems to be everywhere? Well, this blog has been like that for me.

For weeks, I have tossed around the idea of doing a blog on honesty. Several times recently, I have questioned the validity of a statement that was made to me, or the way something was phrased. Then, in my inbox I get my daily mentoring email from Darren Hardy, a success coach, and the topic he is talking about is people lying. Followed by somebody reminding me of a session that I had presented years ago at conferences called “Lies, lies, lies.” So, here I am writing a blog about honesty and is it really the best policy?

Listening to Darren Hardy was like listening to my mother. He started out saying that people lie up to 200 times a day and that the average person, when they meet somebody, will lie 3 times in the first minute. Where these statics came from is unclear and you may choose to believe them or not. Just like my mother, he spoke passionately about how destructive telling a lie is. That when you lie you need to remember not only what the lie is but to whom you told it. It can become exhausting. On the other hand, when you tell the truth you tax yourself much less, it is easier to remember the truth and there is no need to remember who you told it to.

Is it really that simple? Are all lies grouped together? Is a lie of omission still a lie? If the lie doesn’t hurt anyone, what is the harm?

Boy, do I wish there were answers to all those questions. Not that long ago, I noticed a tattoo on someone’s arm and asked about it. They responded something to the effect that it symbolized a lyric to a song that was said to support the LGBT community, which they identified with. When asked what their family thought about the tattoo, they said their family had never seen it and wouldn’t understand and probably would have trouble accepting them as a member of the LGBT community. Was this wrong of them? Several people that I know, and know of, have had their families completely turn their backs on them when it came to sexual orientation or gender identity issues. Is it more hurtful to keep this secret or put it out there and be rejected? Never having walked that path, I cannot possibly answer.

At a recent conference I attended, the executive director of the organization sponsoring the conference and I had a discussion. Like many trade associations, this one has been hit hard by the pandemic. They have had to tighten their belt, scaled back their operation, and let folks go. However, when you read updates from their office, they paint a very rosy picture. Membership numbers are up and there are a slew of new members joining, creating the impression that all is good, and things are returning to “normal.” Nothing that they have written or said is untrue, membership numbers are great, conference attendance is down, but overall, the numbers seem headed in a positive direction. Does the executive director have an obligation to paint the whole picture? They are charged with keeping things moving forward and does reporting on people from the office departing hurt that mission? Is it better to paint a positive picture to encourage people to join, re-join, and stay, or does brutal honest rule the day? More questions that I have no definitive answer to.

Haven’t we all declined to answer a call at work or at home? Have we ever said to a co-worker, “tell them I’m in a meeting or on another call?” Sometimes, we are in the middle of something that an unwanted disruption will throw a significant monkey wrench into our project or our timing. Would it be better to jump on the phone and tell the person you can’t talk right now, knowing that there is a very real possibility that the response will be something along the lines of “this won’t take long, I promise?” Yet, 20 minutes later you are still on the phone and the task you were working on is now completely off schedule. Perhaps the compromise is to have the co-worker be honest and forthright and tell the caller that you are in the middle of something and truly can’t be disturbed.

Is brutal honesty better? When a friend or significant other asks you how a new hairstyle or piece of clothing looks, should you be honest, especially if you don’t like it? After all, it is simply your opinion. Or is it better to nod, smile, and tell them that you like it or deflect by saying it is not your style and leave it at that?

At FUN, we have spent countless hours over our 30 plus years talking about communication, openness, honesty, and pushing back. For much of our early time, I can say without reservation that despite saying I wanted honesty, I did not appreciate being challenged. Over time, with some coaching and new staff being added to the mix, my perspective has changed. I do welcome contradictory opinions being expressed. That doesn’t mean my direction, or my mind will be changed, but it also doesn’t mean that I am not listening. During a recent conversation with a co-worker, the comment was made that they had pushed back on several things but felt that their impact was insignificant because I rarely changed my mind. Point well taken and they were in fact correct. What they don’t see is that often, when things come to my desk, I hear their voice in my head and take their viewpoint into consideration up front now. Their pushing back, their honesty, had in fact changed the way that I started to think about and evaluate different situations and opportunities.

What is the right course of action? How should you balance honesty with empathy for the feelings of others? That is not for others to say, each of us needs to do what we believe is right.

For me, there are certain principles that I try to use. They are pretty simple:

1. In business, honesty is the best policy.
2. Under promise and over deliver.
3. Own your mistakes, don’t blame others.
4. When you make a mistake, apologize, don’t lie to cover it up.
5. Remember your word is your brand.
6. Don’t tell people you did something when you didn’t, for example, don’t put in an email or during a conversation that you contacted someone when you didn’t.

Those guidelines work for me, but they won’t work for everyone. Just make sure that you can look at yourself in the mirror and don’t worry about how others act. You can only control your own actions.

About the author:

Early in life, Ken Abrahams thought of himself as an accomplished liar. It took several trips to the principal’s office, including being paddled a few times (he grew up in the 60’s and 70’s and that was allowed in schools), and candy wrappers being discovered at the bottom of a sock drawer, before he realized he wasn’t very good at it. Over time, he has figured out telling the truth is in fact much easier.

To find out more about the company go to our website www.funent.com you can also go to this link to sign up for our newsletter which comes out about 6 times a year https://funent.com/subscribe-to-the-funny-pages/.  Our newsletter will tell you more about the company and the products and services we offer as well as some games, things to do and the occasional cooking tip.