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It Isn’t Just What You Say but How You Say It

November 30th, 2021 by Kenneth Abrahams

Sometimes we forget the impact our words can have. When I grew up, the prevailing sentiment was that sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me. As my kids started school, the rule of thumb was that things were brought to the attention of the teacher only when they were dangerous or destructive, other things should be handled by the students themselves. Times, of course, have changed and right, wrong, or otherwise words absolutely matter. Recently, through three separate instances, I was reminded that it matters not only what we say but, how we say it.

Over the past few years, I had heard of a wine store in Boston called the Urban Grape. The store, and their owners, had been in the news and I had read some good things about the place, their product offerings, and the customer service that they provided. Two things that really made me want to try the store was that they are a small, local business and they support a number of minority owned vineyards. So, I placed an order for a few bottles and at checkout realized that I could have them delivered right to our house. After I got the order, I sent an email to one of the owners complimenting them on the products that I had received and the interaction I had with the staff. Some quick feedback was the subject line on the email. Immediately, I got an out of office from her email.

A few days later I received a response. Her email opened with this sentence: “Typically when I see an email with a subject line like this my hands start shaking.” As a business owner I knew exactly what she was saying. Often, when we get emails from clients about an event they usually are about a complaint, not a compliment. I felt terrible. My reason for sending the email was to praise her staff and compliment her organization, not to cause anxiety or agita. It is amazing the power of words. Overall, she was pleased with the email, but it made me stop and realize how impactful our words really are. Had I changed the subject line, her reaction would have been completely different.

Recently, my wife and I went to Aruba for vacation. It is a great place to go, especially now as they are having very little problem with COVID, and the country is 80% vaccinated. As we often do, we booked the last flight out to come home. Unfortunately, after the plane we were taking had delays in Florida and then again in Boston, when it got to the island it was unable to make the return trip back up to Boston. It is possible that the crew was out of hours at that point. Unlike when you are flying out of a major city or an airline hub, in a place like Aruba there are no back up crews to call in. As a result, after being in the airport for several hours, we were told that we would have to spend an extra night there. JetBlue (the airline we were on) let us know that they were working on finding accommodations for all of us, that the airline would pay, and that we would be flown home the next day. They were great about providing updates as soon as they received additional information. Once all the arrangements had been made, they took us, as a group, back down to retrieve our luggage and then walked us the 300 yards or so to a hotel right at the edge of the airport. When we arrived at the hotel, JetBlue had 4 or 5 of their ground crew staff there to assist with getting everyone into their rooms and letting us know that the hotel would be providing a dinner and breakfast buffet for all the passengers on our flight. They also gave detailed information on what would happen the next day for our return home. Truthfully, they couldn’t have been nicer.

From the point that the flight was cancelled through the next day at the airport, many of the people on our flight exhibited behavior that leaves nothing to the imagination as to where the term ugly Americans comes from. As soon as they heard the flight was delayed until the next day, several people rushed the podium at the gate. Listening to the way that they talked to the gate agents was truly horrifying. There was yelling and swearing directed at a group of people that had no control over the situation. Yes, I understand that many on the flight were frustrated. Some undoubtedly had kids at home or pets that they now needed to make additional arrangements for. It was interesting listening to people demanding that these folks get them home that night. What was the expectation? That they would be able to conjure up a plane and a flight crew? There seemed to be precious little that the ground crew could do and the venom that was being spewed at them was completely unnecessary. My wife and I tried to make a point of thanking each and every one of them for their help.

On Black Friday, at the end of the day, my wife and I decided to go out and do a little shopping. We both needed new golf shoes so we thought we would see what deals were out there. In the past, stores seemed to be open on Black Friday for a crazy number of hours but this year many stores were only open their normal business hours. Crowds seemed very light and many of the parking lots were only about half filled. At about 7:40 we went to the new PGA Tour Superstore in Natick. When we went in, we realized that the store was closing at 8 PM. As a result, we went right to what we were looking for and made our selections quickly. While I was trying on shoes, a gentleman walked over and asked if we had found everything we were looking for, and I asked if they had travel golf bags. He pointed out where in the store they were. A few minutes later we headed to the checkout. While we were wrapping up our purchase, that same individual asked if I had found the travel bags. We responded that since they were closing shortly, we would come another day. His response was that he made the decision when they would close and that he would be happy to stay as long as we liked. From the tone and manner that he delivered that information, I got the feeling that he genuinely felt that way. As a result, I will return and buy more stuff there.

Holiday season or not, how you treat people and what you say matters. My experience with the Urban Grape reminded me that I need to be more careful and clearer about the way that I title emails. Our experience with JetBlue reinforced my belief that taking your frustrations out on those that are doing their best and trying to resolve a situation, one that they neither created nor can they solve, is pointless. Our new friend at the PGA store was a great example of how impactful sincere, honest communication is. This time of year can be both joyous and stressful. We enjoy the holiday festivities, being with family and friends, but don’t love the pressure of spending lots of money on all the gifts we feel we need to purchase. Keep in mind that the folks you are dealing with are in fact people, just like you.

About the author

Ken Abrahams is a 61-year-old resident of Natick Massachusetts, a town featured in the movie Knives Out. He has decided that living in warmer climates makes more sense than battling New England winters. Perhaps in a year or two he can move south.